Tears In Heaven
by LyricsArePoetry
Summary: Alice's POV, Steven's funeral. Jack's there...


Tears In Heaven  
(Alice's POV)

_Would you know my name  
If I saw you in heaven  
Will it be the same  
If I saw you in heaven  
I must be strong, and carry on  
Cause I know I don't belong  
Here in heaven _

I stared forward to the front of the church, my eyes fixed on the tiny coffin at the front. Tears ran down my face and I couldn't bring myself to sing along with everyone else. I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to believe this was real. I didn't want any of this. Steven was ten, just ten years old. He was a year away from starting high-school. He hadn't had his first girlfriend, he hadn't had his first kiss. There was so much he had never done. So much he would never be able to do. This wasn't right.

There's a chinese proverb that says that those with white hair die first. If only that had been true. My Steven was so young, he was still my little boy. My baby boy. He was too young, he had his entire life ahead of him. Love, heartbreak, exams, uni, children, so much. And that had all been torn away from him. All been torn away by my Father.

Would you hold my hand  
If I saw you in heaven  
Would you help me stand  
If I saw you in heaven  
I'll find my way, through night and day  
Cause I know I just can't stay  
Here in heaven

I swollowed back the worst of by tears, only for new ones to fall straight down. The last thing I wanted to do right now was go to the front and speak. I didn't want to talk about Steven's life. I didn't want to talk about what an amazing little boy he had been. I didn't want to talk about him in the past tense. I didn't want him to be gone. He couldn't be gone. My baby couldn't be dead. He couldn't have left me alone.

I got up slowly and walk to the front. I let my eyes glide over everyone here. Friends of mine, and friends of Steven's and their parents. There was 5 or 6 children around Steven's age who were looking numb. This whole situation had shocked them as much as it had all adults. Then didn't realise, though, just how lucky they are. They don't realise that Steven was the only true victim. Everyone else was saved. Dad saved everyone. Everyone but Steven. How could he do that? How could he sacrifice his own grandson?

_  
Time can bring you down  
Time can bend your knee  
Time can break your heart  
Have you begging please  
Begging please_

That's when I saw him. Dad was there sitting on the end seat of the back row. When I made eye contact with him he mouthed 'I'm so sorry'

_Sorry _as though that one word could fix it. As if sorry could bring my baby back. As if sorry made any difference. I hated him. I hated him with most of my heart. I wished he was dead, even though I knew he couldn't die. I wished it was him that was dead and not my Steven.

I started talking, about Steven. Somehow I managed to keep the tears back as I spoke. I told everyone what Steven loved and what he hated. I told them his hopes and dreams. I told them everything about him. By the time I had finished anyone in the church could've written a book about Steven. I didn't want a book though, I wanted him. I wanted to see my little boy smile again, I wanted to see his bright blue eyes light up as he laughed. I wanted to feel his hair tickling my face as I hugged him tight. I wanted him here.

As tears broke free and ran down my face again, I noticed something. Dad was also crying. Silent tears were running down his face without pause, as they were running down mine. I'd never seen Dad cry before, and I knew in that instance that he was truly sorry. He hated what he had done.

But I also knew that didn't make any difference.

_  
Beyond the door  
There's peace I'm sure.  
And I know there'll be no more...  
Tears in heaven_

_  
_Once the funeral had finished and everyone slowly left the church, Dad stayed behind. He walked down the center to me. Without real thinking, as if working on automatic, he put his arms around me. My first thought was to pull away, but I couldn't.

'I'm so sorry, Alice' Dad whispered as I cried into him. 'So sorry.'

I buried my head in his chest and cried. I don't know how long I stayed there, neither of us saying anything. I cried into him until I had no tears left. Then I looked up at him.

_  
Would you know my name  
If I saw you in heaven  
Will it be the same  
If I saw you in heaven  
I must be strong, and carry on  
Cause I know I don't belong  
Here in heaven  
_

'I hate you' I told him. My voice was quiet, and tired, but I meant it.

'Not as much as I hate myself' his voice was as quiet as mine. In his eyes I could tell he meant it. 'I never meant for this to happen'

'It still did though' I answered. 'I'm sorry but I never want to see you again'

'I understand' Dad said and walked away

_  
Cause I know I don't belong  
Here in heaven _

'Dad' I called after him quietly. He turned back. I didn't know why, but I felt this needed to be said. Even though I hated that it was the truth. 'I still love you'


End file.
